In the afternoon at Rex Hotel, seeing my MKT team sweating because of the ballroom without an operating AC, I decided to book drinks for them. For me, I want to boost my mind without taking in milk and going to the toilet, I chose a black coffee. After 1 hour, the caffeine started its effect.

At first, I didn’t realise that I was high by caffeine. I thought I was overwhelmed by the constant changing requests from these gits. Their voice, their laughs echoed inside my head irritably. I thought I was mentally sick. Then when I was back to the office, I couldn’t help but lied down on the floor, totally dead inside. Still, I blamed on these unprofessional people.

Eating dinner with chị Vi and bác Dung did improve my mood a lot. But still, my body felt like the brain stopped working. I couldn’t process a simple conversation. I ate in silence but still felt comfortable because chị Vi and bác Dung took the cheering roles.

After dinner, I booked Grab to the hostel. Luckily, the Grab driver was very nice. He did nothing but his job: carefully driving me to my safe place in Saigon. The playing music was soft and comforting. Didn’t know why but at some point during the ride, I almost cried for no reason. Or there were multiple reasons at the same time that I couldn’t figure out which one was the dominant.

But when I was on the bed, I lied awake. I couldn’t sleep and my mind just kinda bursted fireworks. Eardrums throbbed nonstop. Eyes were dry and watery but I couldn’t suppress the sounds inside my head. I tossed and turned, cried, closed my eyes tightly. In the next stage, the loneliness, emptiness floated into every single cell inside my body. I cried hopelessly. I thought I was totally useless, suck at being an adult. I doubted every achievement in the past. I thought I couldn’t get through this night.

At 2AM, I got up and opened the lap to adjust the MC script as they had requested. I closed the laptop. I cried again. For seconds, I thought of the window next to the bed. I imagined myself opening the window and climbing through it, then I could end this traumatic night forever.

But then some invisible forces shut my mind and I fell asleep. Though it was just light sleep but it was my saviour. I still woke up at 6 because of my circadian rhythm but I was not depressed with the thought of ending my life for these struggles. I had the will to overcome it. I drew out the plan to solve every single task and prepared myself some energy to rock the day.

Later in the noon, when I was eating lunch with chị Vi and anh Sơn, we discussed about the coffee high/drunk. People all experienced the same hopeless feeling, the emptiness and the urge to harm yourself. Coffee high/drunk is something in completely opposite to heroine high. Coffee high gives you sense of emptiness half a day, and if it is added some loneliness and desperation, you get the full combo called depression.

It was not my first time having coffee high. I once stayed up all night because a cup of salted lemon peel cold brew but I was lying next to mom at home. I was then so mentally strong and feeling protected by my mom, tho she was sleeping safe and sound.

That night, I could get the feeling like receiving the dementor’s kiss.

That night, I cried because I need someone to hold, to tell me that everything would be okay, that I did nothing wrong, that I was not totally worthless. That night, I knew why people need religions. They need some unreal gods who have superpower that could heal every wound this life may hurt you. After that night, I know I will be the one who save myself when no one can.

And no matter how deep the darkness evades you, just hold on for a little more time because the sun will shine again, and light will warm your cracks.