(Hey you, if you’re pretty much a stranger to me or this website, please stay the same, I recommend that)

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over the past few months, I don’t know.

I don’t really acknowledge anything happening around. kinda.

.

and this blog will be series of pubertal stuff. what I think I write. no rules. I’m too tired of any borders in my world at the moment (and I’m growing frustrated with my check-spelling when it keeps correct the ‘i’ to capital letter, huhh). when did I start confusing in front of anything, from my natural habits to basic activities, even writing. I’m in a writing (journalism) department at my university club. and after 1 year, in contrast to what I had thought that I would write better, what I have always written aren’t mine anymore. rules, standards,… aww, killed all my native thought and ‘naive’ sentences. ah, maybe some will blame for my stiffness, not at all. I have to acclaim that my journal writing gets better, not my writing. And those “professional” stuff punches at me every time I want to write. ahhhh, ok move to main point.

‘over the past few months’, I guess, means the period of time since this summer. no longer freshman, less studying activities, more time to consider myself as an adult. 19 years old, with a kinda normal body, a shelf of 100 books, a ID card, 2 debit card, a passport with not a single mark, a broken phone, a new Mac having come to warranty store 2 times, a little dog, plenty old clothes but only some can be chosen to be put on to take any photographs, a family (this is always the biggest possession in my life) but no part-time job, no boyfriend, no expectation for future needless saying any preparation. I can positively say that I live for present, not past or future. but sadly I don’t.

going to a place where crowded around with lost of ‘other kids’, no gained knowledge from any credits I pay at high cost, I seemed to lose something I didn’t even realize what they were.

I registered 17 credits this semester while my friends’ coverage from 23 to 30. my reasonable excuse for this is I don’t want to study so much as I cannot gain anything from school. early graduation has never been in my plan (if exists) though it would reduce much of the total fee. instead, I want something other than just studying to earn scholarships or more credits ‘done’. part-time job or extracurricular experiences are some of my options. and most important, more time for myself, for my health and my family.

ok, that’s some of expectation. what’s now?

still no money from any labour. no new experiences except some time-killed stupidity I have never tried before. Yahh, you may think I should be healthier or at least living free?

none of that.

9-hour-sleeping-per-day, 15 hours left with nothing. 1 subject-using-brain, marketing, my favorite but hah, what I expect at this damm place. nothing. after 45-hour (maybe) class, my marketing are some noodle brands, names of some big firms, Biti’s Hunter sponsoring for Son Tung MTP,… 1 subject required muscle and a feeling for music, hardly passed with my hatred to Rumba and Beebop. jump not dance. I felt like I spent 90% of my energy since I was born to jump like a crazy spanish gaur runs across streets. and the last one is combined of trick or treat. well, one classmate of mine,  his passionate essay which I assumed as a band 8 in IELTS, was considered as a fail one as his piece of writing exceeded limited words count. while other nonsense, illogical, and incoherent paragraphs are accepted. well, at F university, you live on your wriggling experiences, not your intelligence. any of genius symptoms or creativeness ever been discovered will be destroyed from scratch.

and YMC, as hard time arrived, I consumed the rest 10% on checking K57 tests and mentoring teamwork. although the club’s collaborator recruitment left me nothing but some mental and health shjt, I still found something crazy (as the concept Crazy Creator). for instance, joining a random chatbot with strangers and keeping kinda drama-telling conversation (for me) and flirting chat (for him). well at my age, and with my mindset of loving being independently single, sometimes I found it’s annoying when you just flirt (so cheap) without the desire (or at least a want) to know more about the person you talk to. I’m at stage of single, not because I’m not ready to be in a relationship, but I’m searching for someone as a friend, with mutual base of knowledge or interests, or empathy. and after 2 weeks chatting at 22.00 pm, I got tired of being too talkative, while he did not share anything much. so the conversation came to an end. I didn’t feel too disappointed. instead, I have more thought on my emotional issues. is it so difficult to find anyone who is ready to listen and share their life with you, to be with you when you are most vulnerable, when you are not beautiful. Someone who you can freely expose both weakness and strength, always behind, supports you so you can steadily move on. I need a relationship which can orient me to be the better version of myself, give me the braveness as well as physical and mental safety. is it too much to ask? 

maybe I read to much romantic stories and nurture some flourish daydream thought.

maybe that’s person never exists outside my head.

maybe I’m not good enough to be with him.

I’m just finding someone suitable. It’s difficult to describe in details what needed characteristics are. That’s why an author said “We fall in love because we fall in love. There’s no reason for that.”

well, that secondary pupils fall in love is too normal in this modern society. and how weird that more and more adults fall in depression, tie their life on some screen, some social network, and within 4 brick-wall called a house (not home). I don’t want to be that kind of people.

Empty. Loneliness. Lost. In no where.

I felt the unsuitable match between me and places.

sometimes I felt nothing.

my mind became big black hole that I myself hopelessly toddle, float, then shrink to make out what they were.

recently I watched Chunking Express, I think I’ve got out of here, of these late pubertal time with loads of frustration about life, floating nowhere on the internet and wondering about silly problems.

hope now on you take a good life.

go out.

do something new.

and take care of yourself, and your beloved.

sounds cliché, right? but do it.

just do it.

https://soundcloud.com/polina-osnitskaya/flora-cash-youre-somebody-else